Learning not to panic....

It's that time of year that makes me panic. I always have a wobble at midsummer knowing the light has reached its peak, but the Autumn Equinox literally builds into a crescendo of panic that for a couple of days can be tangible. People can see the upset I think, and I'm often asked, "Sara are you ok?".

And of course I smile and say of course.

And of course then I panic a bit more.

Occasionally that panic turns to tears. To a minor panic attack. It's almost worse than the seasonal affected disorder itself. It's a real and physical reaction.

The dark days of winter terrify me. The feeling of fog in my brain and the will to hide under a duvet, hibernating. 

Occasionally I think I ought to have been a hedgehog.

But just as I was in full on panic this week the thing that always smooths me through this point in the year began to happen.....

 

The seed catalogues began to arrive!!

Dobies of Devon, Marshalls and Unwins all have flown through the door this week, and have been placed on the table next to the sofa with a notebook so plans for next season can be made. When it's dark, cold and I'm in my worst place, these are the things that soothe, along with Mr Venn's homemade soups, friends and the gardens across the city being worked on by Incredible Edible Bristol.

These are the things that assure me the world will continue turning and next years season will come.

Shortly I'll be ordering my chilli seeds for sowing on the first day of 2017, and in the next few days I'll start sowing hardy annuals that I'll concentrate hard on keeping alive over winter, in my new little greenhouse on the allotment.

It's these small things that keep the panic and the SAD manageable. 

I know I'm lucky. I know I have the support of wonderful people around me. 

And I know through community gardens I am helping to set up safe  spaces for others who might find the next few months hard. And whatever happens those inclusive spaces are there for all to just be in. To gain refuge from the dark. 

To meet, drink tea and gain comfort from each other's company.

To talk about the season to come.

And so we will get through it and the light will come again.