I have nothing to apologise for, but I do want to share a few things to support some continuity. And the first of those things is that I haven't been very well. I don't think until yesterday even I realised how unwell, but the depression and anxiety have been back pretty much all summer. The result of this is a little voice in my head telling me not to do anything that the positive side wants to do, making the spiral into the black hole even more acute. Going out into the garden, working the allotment, writing here are all things that demon stops me from doing, telling me that even if I do, it won't be good enough, and generally bullying me into inactivity. It's a hideous, sad and lonely space to be and the pressure it creates is beyond frightening.
But why? There's a question occasionally it's important to ask of yourself and deal with the answer properly. And one of the answers is that I have been beyond unhappy living where we are. We moved into our house 2 years ago, when my daughter and her partner were still with us, Des our little dog was still with us, and we were excited, or so I kidded myself, that we had a garden after just a courtyard in our city centre flat. But the reality has been much different. Our ward in Bristol was one of only a couple that voted to leave the EU, the provision for fresh food is dire, and its right up there in the most deprived areas of the city, and I had hoped to be able to work to support Incredible Edible Bristol into the area. But all I've heard is 'you don't come from round here' in various guises. Never have I felt so out of place.
So yesterday we visited what will be our new home. It's perfect. Views across the city from upstairs, and a tiny garden that is a completely blank canvas. Excited doesn't cover it. Reinvigorated, I have plans a plenty to really turn this into our home.
But there is something else I've battled with. An off the cuff remark by someone suggesting that, when I asked an online forum if others struggled to write at times, that my blog wasn't worth the effort if it didn't earn me any money, and nor was Incredible Edible Bristol. And that has brought about an internal, difficult conversation about worth.
A lot, if not most, of what I do is voluntary. I don't hide that and I'm not trying to be some sort of saint. It's just the way it is. Incredible Edible Bristol is a voluntary organisation and as such supports expenses but funding for core costs is nigh on impossible. I really feel like I'm putting my head on the block writing this, but my thing is and always has been that If something needs doing let's do it. Waiting for funds often means things don't happen so we just get on with it! I think supporting 40 public realm gardens to begin and prosper over 4 years sets the precedent that just getting on with it, involving as many organisations as you can, and creating a buzz across the city, is the way to go to make real grassroots change. Yes it's meant sacrifices but its never occurred to me to prioritise my earning potential over getting on with it. My bag. My decision.
Equally I write this blog, and my social media stuff for me. It's not my job. I'm aware of course that bloggers can and do earn a good living from blogging but although I'm not suggesting I never would, I never have.
So that throw away comment really, really bothered me. Is everything we do supposed to be about financial worth? And if it is how do I change this so people take what I do seriously? I still don't have the answers to this but if anyone does, please share.....
So here I am, today, feeling much better, reinvigorated if not slightly nervous that firstly we have to move house which is my least favourite thing in the world to do ever, and that yet again I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. But there it is. Out there.
Right now I'm on a train, off to a book launch in London and acutely aware I have books I've been sent to review, a garden and house to plan, and a very large project with Incredible Edible Bristol to plan. But today is a new day, those things will happen and the future is looking brighter.......
Hi Sara, I did a long long post that I hoped would show you without a doubt that your worth goes way beyond financial and that there are those of us out here that understand that. Unfortuately it disappeared but even so. You inspire many and I am certain that you are part of what makes Bristol stand out.Keep it up
ReplyDeleteWelcome back Sara.. always find your work resonates and sheds some light in those shady spots we try to hide - from others, and ourselves. Have experienced a very similar summer, for different reasons, but also know very well that syndrome of 'not good enough', that ends up freezing up one's momentum for writing, creative pursuits, etc. Also have a few review copies months overdue.. the guilt... You have inspired me... So glad to hear your new living situation is better, and optimism is resident... As you say... it's a new day...xx
DeleteThank you both for your kind words. xx
DeleteI think many (most?) of the best blogs are written with no thought of financial gain, but just for the love of it. I am in this category. Too much emphasis in our society is placed on money, and too little on happiness and being content with what you have. I hope you will find peace and happiness in your new home (with or without a massive greenhouse / barn in which to keep your herd of Flying Pigs!)
ReplyDeleteThank you dear Mark. xx
DeleteIf you're happy doing what you do, do it! Money isn't everything. Be happy in your skin. Self fulfillment trumps cash!
ReplyDeleteI am so sick of people who only see things in terms of money. Capitalism has pushed us to the brink of an environmental apocalypse (more than once), left good people hungry and homeless and merely funded the lifestyles of the rich and famous. It has become normal to think of ourselves as our salaries, and nothing more, and to ignore all other aspects of life!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately we don't live in an era where kindness, community spirit and a 'can do' mentality are worth much to most people. But you are one of the people pushing to change that, and we all love and respect you for it.
Wot Emma said. Don't worry, I will do my own comment, but that was a good 'un. x
DeleteCould not agree more, you are a complete inspiration and your worth goes far beyond the financial! Nothing but respect and admiration!
DeleteThank you, all of you. xxx
DeleteI so agree with the comments above. Worth is not a concept which should be viewed in financial terms - despite the inclination of society to view this aspect as the most important. When we're gone, the things that will matter will be the way we have cared for and inspired others, how our little ripples have spread to make the world a kinder, more responsible place. These are harder to calculate than money, impossible to plot on a speadsheet, but far, far more important. And your ripples have (and will continue to) inspire people and support communities and wildlife. You make the world a better place.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nic xxx
DeleteI am a retired journalist and run a website for no financial gain, like you I do it because I enjoy writing and hopefully people find what I write about gardening useful and enjoyable. Take it from me that in my long career there were always
ReplyDeletepeople ready to snipe and throw put downs. I think you are doing a brilliant and inspirational job and your idea for Edible Bristol is very worthwhile. So keep at it and ignore the doom mongers. As Nic says you are spreading ripples of happiness. I have often struggled to get words on a page and yes we are all critical about our writing but that’s absolutely ok, just hang on in there and i am sure you will be fine.
Thank you Sandy. x
DeleteHi Sara
ReplyDeleteAs someone who worked in financial services for 25 years I am familiar with the 'money is everything' attitude. Last year I happily gave up that job to be full-time doing my tiny business that I love although it will never make much money.
I think what you is very valuable and can quite easily be financially valued regardless of whether it is making profit or income.
How many people have engaged in your projects? How much healthier are those that have benefited from your efforts? How much will that have saved in terms of the cost of their healthcare/social services needs or even helped inspire them to achieve more in their own lives?
Its worth doing such quick estimates would also make a good business case or even just PR to help get more 'local' authority engagement. Even for future funding or grants that someone else might want to try for even if that is not your interest. Anyway my point is that value comes in many forms and but making it into numbers is actually very useful. Give me a shout if you would like some input.
Hi Rosi. We do that as part of our monthly data collection and so far Incredible Edible Bristol has, in volunteer hours alone, created gardens with volunteers that in terms of worth, just in those hours, are more than a million pounds!! Not to mention the health, wellbeing etc all of which is documented and seen by funders etc. Sadly though, in a city where we are losing over 100 million pounds worth of funding, whereas the local authority is very happy to see what we are doing, the reality is they cannot afford to support financially!! It's a sad world we live in.
DeleteSo glad you have found a new place that you can call home, and make your own, after such a time in the wilderness. Your home needs to be a sanctuary, and it sounds as if that was a challenge, so this can only be A Good Thing!
ReplyDeleteNow, as far as the other thing goes, we have spoken about this, and you know my thoughts, which broadly are also yours. You can't really put a price on generosity of spirit, and I feel rather sad for folks who are unable to appreciate something clearly as fabulous as the work you do, without it having an obvious contribution to the bottom line of Sara Venn plc. Blogging is often done without appropriate financial compensation – I think in many respects that's why trad media often view us with some suspicion. We can turn out good content, fast...and we don't have to answer to anyone. And I beg to differ on one count – it *is* your job, just one you don't get paid for – in money at least. But if there's a value on the respect you've earned from us Venn Fanboys and 'girls, you're as rich as Croesus!
Keep on keeping on, with kindness, sympathy, generosity and humour. We love your work, and we love you too. xx
Thank you dearest pal. xxx
DeleteSara V my darling fellow Yorkshire woman, you live a truly enriched life and you so enrich many lives of others, me as just one of the minority. Bob Marley once said something along the lines of money and material wealth isn't the real riches in life, friends, happiness and fulfilment Is! You have this.... so bollocks to the fucktard trying to call it otherwise.... they will always be on a chase financial credit for value and never be truly happy- the opinions of such aren't valued As they would or have sold their soul to the Devil! As for the black dog, I know personally how wearing it can be and how it makes even the strongest can become doubtful of themselves and worth, if you ever need a a friend love my door is always open! Lots of love
ReplyDeleteBO xxx
Thank you darling. xx
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ReplyDeleteYou are very much an inspiration, the work you do has an untold worth, creating ripples across society in a positive way. That cannot be measured in monetary value... I wish it could, for then you would be a millionaire! But for the families and individuals you inspire just by being you & doing your thing the value is there... even when you're in a dark place & can't see it yourself. I'm so glad you've found yourself a new safe space from which you can grow.
ReplyDeleteIf the black dog starts barking again gimme a yell & I'll come & put a muzzle on the dammed thing! X
Thanks Lou!! xx
DeleteIt seems that the naysayers and cynics know the price of everything and the value of nothing. They are best ignored. Money is just one means of recognising a person's contribution; smiles, laughter, hugs and kind words are, in my experience, more memorable, more enduring and more gratifying than zeroes in a bank account. Good luck with the house move. Make sure you plant a big Kniphofia rooperi as a beacon to light up the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI shall!! Thank you x
DeleteFar, far better to be doing something you love for no money than something you hate for high wages. The world would be a far better place if we all based our actions on how they would benefit others rather than just on what we would get out of them. Good luck with the house move. You deserve a change in fortune after the past few months.
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear. xx
DeleteI don’t make any money out of my blog either -it’s a hobby not a job but I still try and blog to the best of my ability. I suffered something similar a few years ago. I was Chair or our allotment association and raised money along with a couple of others to buy new fencing etc, to start with everyone was really supportive but a small group of people started to cause trouble and setting off rumours along the lines that we wanted to ‘rule the roost’. They couldn’t appreciate that people may genuinely do things for the general good and not expect to get anything out of it. We decided it wasn’t worth the hassle, needless to say no-one wanted to step into our shoes and the association was no more. Lesson learned no more committees etc for me.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it just the saddest thing to see people deliberately sabotage improvements just because it was'nt them at the fore? I sometimes really do give up with folk. Sorry to hear you had to go through that. xx
DeleteSounds like a severe attack of sour grapes from your commenter. I remember seeing the first steps of your garden at the Bearpit. You have a fan in Cape Town. Enjoy your happy new garden at home.
ReplyDeleteHello Diana and thank you!!
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