Wednesday 14 February 2018

Standing Up

This post has been a long time coming and won't be that garden focussed but for those of you who ask why I always feel the need to stand up to the bullies here goes...........
Gardens, plants and growing have been my life for as long as I can remember. A yearning to be outside, growing beautiful plants and creating wonderful spaces is my reason for being and I consider myself the most fortunate person alive to be in the position I am, not just doing this myself, but also supporting other people to join in, have a go and celebrate their success. It gives me untold joy to support people and organisations to improve their environments with gardens, be they productive or ornamental, large or small. And the way these spaces change communities, getting them up and active, engaged and excited, is the most humbling and amazing thing. I am, to use a social media phrase, blessed.
But throughout this career have been some very dark periods, all of which have been created in the first instance, by bullies.
Workplace bullying is difficult. It is often wrapped up in conversations along the line of conflicting personalities and comments around ability and the bully knows exactly what they are doing, and how careful the line must be that they tread whilst constantly dripping negativity about the person into the ears of everyone around them. For months I dreaded opening my emails, and regularly received emails telling me I was wrong and he was right. On one occasion these led to a a huge dispute between directors who at that point were seemingly taking sides, and a huge argument in my office, with me there, about how the issue was being dealt with. I dreaded going to work, despite being totally in love with the beautiful walled garden nursery I was managing, because here was someone I had to liase with daily who was trying to get rid of me. To drive me out.
Fortunately at the same time I joined Twitter and looked for other gardeners, and the relief was palpable when I was able to join in conversations, support others to garden and slowly, very slowly, although work was beyond distressing, I began to believe in myself a bit more. I started to run workshops, to have a horticultural life away from the workplace and things felt like they might be ok.
But as with everything, there are highs and lows and a year before I left this workplace I had a serious breakdown. It followed an event where the bully had openly been slating me for being "lazy and useless" when a good pal was in the room, and unbeknownst to me, she made a formal complaint and it was taken to HR, who were so concerned they suggested that the gross misconduct line had been crossed and he should leave. But that didn't happen and  instead he upped the pressure, finding my Twitter account and recounting it to the owners of the business. At this point they knew nothing of the workshops and courses because I had done them in my own time, either at weekends or taking annual leave, but they insisted they stop if I wanted to continue to work there. Very quickly Twitter went from being my safe space to one where I could say very little, despite having closed my account down so tightly that for several months I didn't even allow new followers.
And then I received a call. A call that I thought would change my life. A call to be interviewed for a job where the owner of a nursery had asked to meet me. Someone who at that time I admired was headhunting me! So off I went to the interview, and got the job. And jumped straight from the bullying pan into the bullying fire. Constantly being told you know nothing, being made to feel like you have no voice, that you are useless, that you aren't interested in plants, or gardens, that you are slow, that anyone could do better, that you aren't trusted to water the plants..............
But at this point I knew what was happening. I had seen the bully for what they were. Just that. A bully. I had tried to have conversations, to work harder, to prove myself but after the first few weeks I knew I needed to be brave and leave. The final decision came when I was told that there were concerns about my "severe" depression, which was frankly not correct but more worryingly I knew the information had yet again been gleaned through social media and at that point I took control. They let me go stating non transferrable skills which made me hoot as the skill that I didn't have was driving.  It had been assumed I would drive the owner around in the evenings to talks and events, which had never been mentioned at the interview and which I would never have agreed to. I left with my head held high and at that moment promised myself that I would never be afraid of a bully again.
Why are you telling us this tale now I hear you asking.
What is your point Sara?

Well without going into the minutae, bullying happens on many scales and I have promised to stand up, with a lot of other people, to a particular bully in the city. And I am scared. I want to run away. I am close to tears and I feel alone. My voice feels broken, silenced in fear. I woke up this morning and for the first time in 5 years didn't have an immediate tweet, was afraid to speak my truth.
Name drop alert here, but last year I sat in a garden with Dave Myers and spoke openly about all this. Sadly it didn't make the cut, but he and the entire team were moved beyond words by the strength it sometimes takes to stand up and ignore the negative voices. Horrified that an industry that seems to be all about the environment, making beautiful spaces and being kind to our planet, can be so cruel and harsh. After leaving the last job it appeared it was a well known fact that the person was like this and it soon transpired there was a whole line of people before me that had been through the same. But no one will speak, even years after, in the belief that they signed a confidentiality clause in their contract and they would be honed down on by solicitors and the law. I never signed that clause, but equally I am never going to name names. That would make me the bully and that is something I am super conscious of, but it never fails to amaze me how years later the effects can still be seen in people. It never leaves you. The fear is what remains.
Why am I telling you this now? Because it is my truth and it explains a lot about how important i feel compassion and kindness is. Because I feel like bullies can create huge and unpleasant schisms and that isn't fair on all the people it affects. Because bullying leads to poor mental and physical health that over the years it becomes harder and harder to bounce back from. Because I hate to think that anyone might have been so abjectly affected by it that at times they may too have felt, or feel like their voice is squashed and they are silenced.
Today its Valentines Day and as it draws to an end I have just seen a post from a friend on Facebook asking whether Valentines could be repurposed into a day where we promise to treat people with care and respect in the year to come. So here I am committing to do just that. To lead with kindness from my core in everything I do, because that is the only way we are going to find a kinder world.
And finally, if this resonates with you don't be afraid to get in touch, but also to look at the link below. You still have your voice however much you feel like you can't use it, and someone will help you to speak your truth............xx


19 comments:

  1. I know how much courage it takes to write - and publish - words like these! On the basis of your "re-purposed Valentine's Day" I'm happy to be one of your virtual Valentines, so I'm sending some goodwill your way this evening, Sara. Keep up the good work!

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    1. Thank you Mark-you're always so beautifully kind. Have a great evening. x

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    2. Sara you are so brave. I went through a similar situation 10 years ago working for a retailer that no longer exists. The bulling was terrible and I could do nothing. One accusation to many I was accused of bulling someone I had no recall of this.I was in a poor state health wise and knew that I had to get out.I gave in my notice and had 4 weeks of hell but road out the storm until the last day. When my so called manager wanted a word.oh let the games begin. The idiot went down to the office in front of me. He went in I went in behind him closed the door and held on to the door knob. I didn't care anymore he got the works I told him what I thought of him. Depression can sometimes take away any feelings.I ended it there and let him out.I left that day and never looked back couldn't get a job in retail but then again it didn't matter. Gardening has been my salvation and 10 years on i have a job I love good friends and having lots of fun.

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  2. Sara a great read just need a space between the paragraphs as it hurts my brain and makes it difficult to follow.

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  3. How brave of you to write this post but also I am sure it’s helping people who are in this awful position that they are not alone. I was subjected to a year of the most horrendous work place bullying and my confidence has never recovered. I will be part of your Valentine’s Day and sending always love and total respect for everything you do x

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    1. Thank you so much my lovely. Your words are so kind and greatly appreciated. xx

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  4. What can In say sara. Well done for speaking up. I have witnessed very similar examples of bullying in the horticultural industry. I wish you well,

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  5. Very well written and brave to put this in to writing as well. To many people seem to think that behaviour is acceptable - it isnt, so well done to you for standing up and being brave.

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  6. I grew up with zero experience being bullied. I believed it must be something that happened to other people. I assumed that I must project enough of an air of confidence that bullies knew not to bother with me. This made my experience with being bullied as an adult in the workplace very disorienting, embarrassing, and concerning. Despite having much experience in the horticulture world, I was suddenly treated as stupid, untalented and, as you say, so untrustworthy I couldn't handle watering the flowers. I hated going to work. This bully would point out my flaws often and loudly to whomever was around to hear. She was 'in' with the boss, ofcourse. It went on much longer than it should have & only ended when the professional facade I had been clinging desperately to cracked when she made yet another snarky comment and...I threw a bagel at her. I don't recommend throwing things at people, but seeing the look on her face, and walking out that day (never to return), was the BEST feeling.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your experience Sara! And for not backing down to bullies ❤

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    2. So sad that our industry appears to be peppered with bullies but well done!! I hope you're ok now-it can really shock the system for quite some time. x

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  7. Superb writing Sara - so clearly straight from the heart. Xx

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  8. Well said, Sara. Hang on to the fact that for the one person who criticises, 100s more applaud and I know whose opinion I would trust. Stay strong.

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  9. Oh Sara, I remember reading snippets at the time and being concerned for this person (YOU) I had not yet met. Bullying sucks the life out of you and I can only this as I went through it myself with a client just after I set up my design business. This person made me doubt my abilities, was openly mean, bitterly and the things that were said about me (and as a link it went on to include my children) still, eight years later, make me want to weep with frustration. I even began to suffer panic attacks. So, I know what it is like to be at the end of a bullying campaign and it makes me so angry when behaviour like this is swept under the carpet or ignored. It is not okay. It will never be okay.
    I have learned to move on but it is still something which has affected my life greatly.

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    1. Bless you Rebecca. I have to say it mortifies me to see how many people are bullied by clients. It's as if in some cases they take folk on just to do so. But then I also remember a certain person saying to me that she knew her behaviour could be seen as bullying and that wasn't going to change. I'm just pleased I can see the triggers now and call it out but I cannot pretend I am looking forward to this week!! XXX

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